ok. so I need this as sort of a helping hand.

I have had so many black tears running down my face. Not becasue of Michael. I love him.

I dont know why. I just feel so ew. I dont like me right now. Im not the type of person to care what you or anybody else thinks...not get that fuckin idea. I dont give a shit if i have 1 or 100 friends.

I dont find comfort in people. Never have. Never will.

i dont like to cling on to people. It gives me no ease. Not one bit. i havent found what comforts me...maybe its music.

its certainly not writing.

Like I was just like balling before c r a v i n g my xanga. But I feel no ease. The pain and hurt is still there.

and its even worse that its a pain and hurt I cant get rid of.

Fuck it.

I dont want to care anymore.

I dont need sympathy.

i just need to figure my fuckin self out.

Im so tired of the world around me.

Like im trying to just keep things normal.

but I cant.

and its pissin me off

god.

i hate it.

i dont want to grow up

things need to just be 

NORMAL AGAIN!

Ok so you know. i thought I was done on here. But It helps me.

I have a surgery tomorrow. I dont think its that major though. Its just a laser treatment.

I have pre cancer cells in my cervix. So they are going to have to put me to sleep. ANd then they will go in and zap the lil bogies outta the way!

Im sorta scared. But not really.

I just dont want to be put down.

it gives me the creeps.

geez.

Buuut

I'll recover nicely. And quick. i dont even have to spend the night at the hospital. Which is good.

school started. and Im kinda likin it!

Im going to have lunch with Michael...I have a class with Heather. ANNND I have ecology with Michael! HOW GREAT?!?!?!?!

So I havent got the biopsy results back yet. Im sure everythings fine...